Today’s post was originally going to be a rant about the “false conundrum” of motherhood v/s feminism. I am fed up to my back teeth with the perpetually circulated myth that feminists are anti-motherhood. No. We are all about women making their own reproductive choices and having the same options and opportunities as men. Equality is not a synonym for “baby-hater”, dammit.
But then I got sidetracked by parenting styles and the idea of “judging”.
Mayim Bialik, an actress once known as Blossom and now known as Amy Farrah Fowler, has her Ph.D in neurobiology. She is an “attachment parenting” advocate, as am I. Dr. Bialik pointed out in her defense of attachment parenting:
“Here are examples of what mothers who practice attachment parenting are concerned about. We can about what hormonal contraception does to your body and your brain. We research why doctors prescribe birth control to teenagers and adults who don’t have a “regular” menstrual cycle. We object to routine inductions with pitocin and interventions during labor because of the risks to the mother and the baby. We believe that breast milk is biologically and nutritionally superior to anything formula manufacturers tell you is equal to it, and that sleeping next to your baby releases positive hormones that facilitate bonding. We have empowered ourselves and refuse to endure a male-centered obstetric history that has taken women’s bodies and molded them to their preferences for their convenience, their comfort and for their world view.
Now tell me how attachment parenting is inconsistent with feminism?”
Jill, from Feministe, a site I am very supportive of, also quoted this as a an example of why motherhood and feminism were not inalienably disparate things. Great. But then she went on to say that attachment parenting proponents’ “insistence that it is The Best Way can be incredibly alienating and shaming.”
Bullshit.
I am so fucking tired of that lie. Every time people try to spread the good word about breastfeeding or whatnot we are accused of being “judgmental”. No. We are being “factual”. There is a shitload of scientific evidence showing breastfeeding is better for a baby, and attachment parenting has concrete biological/emotional benefits for parents and their offspring. What? Are we supposed to just NOT MENTION THE EVIDENCE so that someone doesn’t feel accidently judged because they went with, or plan to go with, another choice? Okay, by that corollary we should never, ever mention the health benefits of eating vegetables, lest mom’s who feed their kids the occasional hotdog feel “judged”. Or mention that organic vegetables are good and GMO’s are possibly bad, because mom’s who chose to, or have to, give their kids factory farmed fruit might feel bad about it.
Look, us attachment parenting people KNOW there are reasons people CANNOT do it, or don’t WANT to do it. If someone wants to skip the breast and go to formula, that’s their business and does NOT automatically make them bad parents. There were no pro-breastfeeding sites on the first 5 pages of a Google search that said formula parents were bad or unloving parents. I stopped at page five, because that was enough to show any accusations like that must be incredibly rare. Most pro-breastfeeding sites went out of their way to explain all options and not shame formula moms. Pro-breastfeeders, as a whole, are NOT engaging in SHAMING behaviors.
Formula or breastfeeding choices come from a complex set of circumstances. Some parents chose formula feeding, just like some parents think GMOs are fine and organic vegetables are a liberal plot that should be eschewed, and that doesn’t mean they don’t love their kids. There are people who run into a great deal of physiological difficulty in nursing and have no one to help them sort it out, just like there are parents who want to buy organic foods for their kids and CANNOT afford to. We demand better formula be provided for parents who want/need to use it (we are so judgmental like that). However, there are people who want to breastfeed or embrace other aspects of attachment parenting and they are stymied by anti-family work policies, misinformed by formula makers who have a vested interest in scuppering breastfeeding, and sabotaged by friends and relatives who want to validate THEIR choices by ensuring the new mom does it the way they did. For the beleaguered breastfeeders we will fight in the streets in order to give them the option of breastfeeding, because they are being pushed to formula feed. That is similar to trying to help moms who want organic vegetables but cannot afford them. There, we want to help get them the vegetables they really WANT their kids to be eating, which means we need to address larger systemic inequalities. It is not shaming, it is fucking helpful.
Yet the minute we fight for breastfeeding, which is also embattled by systemic inequalities, we are accused of being “boob Nazis”. Yeah, wanting women to be informed of facts and have real options (not impossible situations) makes us just like people who committed genocide.
Then, Jill went on to proclaim that she was “on Team Heather McDonald.
Being a mother is part of who you are, but it should not be all of who you are. There is no parenting secret that ensures that your children will grow up and be successful adults. So why would you want to sacrifice your career, your financial security and oftentimes your happiness all in the name of motherhood? To me that is putting all your eggs in one basket, pun intended.
No, I did not breastfeed, make organic baby food or co-sleep with my children. I instead slept with their father, and I am still happily married to him today.
Yeah, basically that.”
Right, Jill. McDonald’s statement has absolutely no judgey implication that attachment parents are women who subsume their identities to motherhood and don’t love their husbands as much as non-attachment moms, and doesn’t suggest husbands are more likely to leave attachment moms. nope. Completely free of that. Also, no false conundrums there, either.
So, why couldn’t McDonald just say different options worked best for her family and leave it at that? Her defensiveness and snarking means that she FELT judged, but there is no proof that any REAL shaming was coming from attachment parents … it is not our fault if evidence supports our theories and that makes HER feel bad about HER decisions.
Worst of all is the fact this false shaming, and the overcompensating defensiveness and attacks on attachment parents by the people feeling judged, is completely the result of patriarchal enforcement of female competitiveness. Because the patriarchy says there is a “correct” way to be a woman/mother, then women get stuck in the mindset that people who don’t do what we do are our enemies, since there is only one RIGHT kind of woman/mother. Thus, breastfeeding moms MUST BE judging formula users and formula users MUST fight back to show they are the BETTER moms!
*sounds of hair being ripped out in frustration*
Attachment parenting is the biological ideal. A lot of women can’t, or won’t, do it, and that does not make them “bad” mothers. There is no SINGLE best way to parent for all families. So let us move past this garbage that suggests there must only be ONE good way to be a mom.
Although Heather McDonald can kiss my ass for implying I don’t love Sweet Babou enough and that I have willingly given up all other identity but “breeder”.
Go Fokker!
Y’know, ya fight for the option to work instead of having no option but to be a stay at home mom, even if that doesn’t suit you, then suddenly, you have to fight for the option to be a stay at home mom. When did the word “option” come to mean “requirement”? I believe this change in what words like this mean is confusing people.
Sheesh.
Ah, the anti-mother work policies—I spend my lunch break (25min w/o class) hunched over the pump and tomorrow yet again there’s a mandatory lunch meeting so I can’t pump. Nice.
And I have degrees and learning and all that but becoming a mom is the most transforming and meaningful experience of my life thus far and I would love to be able to stay home with my Sweet Pea every day.
I think being a feminist means women should have the opportunity to do meaningful work of their choice (neurobiologist? anthropologist? janitor? waitress? teacher? mama? yep to all) and I work with plenty of loving moms who feed formula and plenty who nurse. To each her own.
Every morning when I pack my pump I make sure i have everything in the bag thinking “this is the most important thing I do all day”–I’m fanatical about my personal situation but that doesn’t mean that anyone else’s choices aren’t equally valid and vital.
I made the mistake of reading the comments at Feministe. Now I’m furious. LIVID. RAGEY. These are feminists? Seriously? No. Just no.
And birth rape is real, regardless of what some of those jerks say. OMG.
This post highlights the huge cultural differences between Latin and Anglo. In the short time William was with us, we slept together as a family, Papi watched adoringly as William breastfed, even encouraging him with “That’s my boy” kind of cheers, and believe me, I’ve never felt sexier or more adored in my life. My Brit mother was shocked and very upset by it all, while we were grinning like idiots in our joy.
It always amazes me the lengths that people will go to just to avoid actually engaging in parenthood and truly loving their children, liking them even.
Well done. As usual. Thank you.
Just, thank you.
Julie
Well, OK. I’ll be the bad guy here and say that I don’t agree with some of what Jill MacDonald says, but I get her point. (I didn’t read any of the comments.) Since you all seem to have breastfed, you may not realize how your attitudes come across. I breastfed– my older kid for about two months, the younger one for about six months– and there were several reasons, which I do not feel compelled to disclose here, why I both supplemented with formula during that time, an also stopped when I did. I completely agree that breastfeeding is best for the baby, but it’s not always best for the family. There may be medical reasons, psychological reasons, family dynamic reasons, and any number of other reasons why someone may choose not to breastfeed or choose to do a combination of breastfeeding and supplementation. That does not mean that the mom is a lesser mom, or that she loves her baby any less, or that her bonding with her child is impaired, as you state. But since you are on the side of the “good guys” here, you have no idea how it feels to be on the other side. It is exactly posts like this–the vehemence with which you state your opinion– that lead to that feeling of being judged and criticized if you choose not to breastfeed. You can hide behind “no one can make you feel bad unless you choose to feel bad,” but there is still a basic assumption on your part that you have chosen a “better” option, which you are willing to back up with a great deal of vehemence with statistics and facts. Is it better for your family? yes. Better for mine? no. I think you might be a bit naive if you truly believe that “Pro-breastfeeders, as a whole, are NOT engaging in SHAMING behaviors.” I still believe that I made the right decision for our situation. And yet I sit here and feel shamed and diminished by the way this post is phrased. Am I choosing to feel that way? sure, I’ll grant you that. But when you make a choice that goes against what every doctor, every lactation specialist, every birthing class teacher, and many glowing maternal friends tell you is the “best” thing for your baby, any reference to it makes you cringe and doubt yourself. Even if you’ve wrestled with it, agonized over it, and finally decided it’s not for you. Which is why I decided to say something. It’s just the way it is, I guess. Is it your fault I feel this way? No. of course not. But I wouldn’t be sitting here typing if you had been a bit more gentle. And btw, I fully support the fight to change workplace and public policies that discriminate against breastfeeding moms. I know I’m going to regret posting this.
I honestly, sincerely know that breastfeeding just doesn’t work for some families. But how (I am not snarking here, I really do want suggestions) can we promote and advocate for breastfeeding if to even reiterate the facts about breastfeeding makes women feel like shit, in that “when you make a choice that goes against what every doctor, every lactation specialist, every birthing class teacher, and many glowing maternal friends tell you is the “best” thing for your baby, any reference to it makes you cringe and doubt yourself.” Personally, I know a lot of good mothers who either had or chose to use formula to various degrees. But breastfeeding is beneficial, and the US does it much less than other industrialized countries; the deck is stacked against it and it needs to be promoted … but how can we tell people about it and support them if the very act of speaking out for breastfeeding makes other mothers feel pain and shame? I made sure I vehemently declared my opinion that “There is no SINGLE best way to parent for all families. So let us move past this garbage that suggests there must only be ONE good way to be a mom” and raged that the “judged” feeling is more about the patriarchy orchestrated push for women to compete for the title of “correct” woman/wife/mother … yet I still managed to cause you pain.
:::headdesk:::
Please, can anyone tell me the way to spread factual information without shaming moms? Because the patriarchy has bitten deep in all of us, and the fear we are “not good enough women/wives/mothers” lies deep in every woman in the nation. How can anyone be pro-something, if that is assumed to smirk at those who chose a different path?
I need amaretto.
and I do. regret it, I mean. I don’t mean to be controversial or stir things up. And I should also correct one thing– I *don’t* feel shamed and diminshed by my decision now, because it was 14 years ago and my kids are awesome and I’m over it. I just remembered feeling that way while reading this, because I definitely did when I was going through it. But I was unable to articulate what it was that I found so hurtful then, and so I guess I spoke up here on behalf of those who still are going through it. Apologies if I offended anyone, or if I phrased my own opinions in a way that seems obnoxious or hurtful.
oops we were posting at the same time. Thank you, Fokker. You’re a caring, intelligent person, and I don’t know what the answer is either. Except maybe to remember exactly what you said– that the problem isn’t breastfeeding vs. not, it’s a patriarchal system that makes it difficult to feel good about yourself no matter what.
It really is the system trying to tell you there is only one way to be a “good” mom, but lot’s of women join in on this and they snark and snipe and defend and it just spirals into the usual misogynistic nightmare hellscape. Because parenthood wasn’t hard enough.
First, to bhnmt, I have to supplement with formula for various reasons and I feel like total shit about it. I have had many people tell me if I can’t provide her whole diet then I should just to formula solo but I don’t feel good about that personally in my own situation.
And the problem is the whole patriarchy thing that pigeonholes what it means to be a “good” parent and also pits women against one another.
So yeah I don’t feel good about myself a lot of the time. i get lots of questions from family about Why are you STILL nursing/pumping when you have to use formula anyway? Meh. My issue. Not yours.
But I am so sorry if anything I said was shaming in any way. I only know my own circumstance, not how it feels to live in anyone else’s.
I discern difference between insistence that attachment parenting is the Best Way and MENTIONING THE EVIDENCE for it. I suppose if you did we wouldn’t have this post. I continue to admire your rants and The Snark, but this time I call over the top.
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