Lilo asked me that last night. Now, it must be said that I have taught them that the word “fat” is descriptive, not pejorative, (although I have told her it is pejorative to many people and thus should be avoided outside the family, just in case) so she wasn’t being rude in any way. She just wanted to know.
I told her I wasn’t sure. That she had lots of thin people in her extended family and if she got their genes then she would likely be thin. If she got my genes, she would be more likely to be fat. I also told her that either way exercise and eating good food would be the key to being healthy. She seemed okay with that. Then she said, “I think I would rather be skinny.”
It breaks my heart to admit it but I hope she will be thin, too.
It’s for the same reason a multiracial friend of mine is guilty/pleased her daughter is so fair skinned … she knows that it will make things a little easier on her. You may hate the sociocultural forces, be it fat-hate or racism or misogyny, that make up reality and you may strive all your life to change them – but while they are in play you want them to effect your kids as little as possible. You want every advantage for your child, even if you know those advantages are based in bullshit.
There is very little I can do if any of my daughters have gotten my fat gene. The amount of your body fat is mostly locked down by genetics. Those few people (less than 2% in some studies and as many as 5% in others) who can maintain thinness against their genetic imperatives must make “staying thin their life’s work, becoming Weight Watchers lecturers, for example, and, always, counting calories and maintaining themselves in a permanent state of starvation.” That looks hella fun right there. Of course this is detrimental to their health, since dieting constantly with little 5-10 pound weight cycling is horrible for your health, but at least they will be perceived of as healthy in our fat-hating mythos.
The knowledge that fat is mostly genetic doesn’t seem to penetrate into popular culture. Even when articles admit fat is in your DNA it is downplayed. A study that shows that people with ONE particular fat gene are 27% less likely to be obese is touted as proof you CAN control your genetic propensities, without reference to any other attenuating factors in genetics, socio-economic poverty, childhood abuse, or sleep disorders (all of which are proven to effect weight) and without seeming to notice that 62% of individuals with the FTO gene who exercise are still obese. Exercise is great for you even if your ass remains fat, but that is NOT as important as the chance you may not be obese! Sure, it is a less than 1 in 3 shot to avoid obesity, but lets focus on the fat-shaming positive! Let’s have headlines screaming that the “Genetic excuse for obesity is a myth: Fat gene can be beaten … at the gym”! Way to obfuscate and overstate there!
I can’t even tell Lilo her odds. As much as “80 percent of the offspring of two obese parents become obese, as compared with no more than 14 percent of the offspring of two parents of normal weight” but I can’t find the data on parents like me and Sweet Babou, where I am fat and he is not. Is it 50/50? Less? More? Even if she has the gene is she in the lucky 1/3 in whom it does not guarantee obesity?
All I can promise her is that I love her, and that she is a wonderful kid who shows every sign of being a wonderful adult. All I can do to help her is give her a habit of exercising and choosing good foods, so that her weight will not be as important as her health. All I can do to mentally prepare her (either way) is make sure she knows the data and will therefore be less likely to judge herself, or others, for adipose tissue.
I am doing all I can do.
I completely relate to this. While I don’t have children of my own yet, I dread the days I am going to have to watch my future children endure the struggle of being an overweight person in our fat hating society.
You are doing more than that. Some people over eat for emotional reasons. If your kids have a healthy self esteem and are happy with themselves, they will be less likely to “eat their pain away”. So you are giving your kids a great base. Healty habits and a strong sense of themselves as respect worthy create a very strong structure on which to build a good life.
I understand. I’m perfectly okay with homosexuality but I hope my gkids are straight just because their lives will be easier. And I, too hope they are normal weights. Same reason.
I’m with you on this one. It sucks to know that it would be easier on your kids if they’re skinny but in reality, hello…i was very thin when i didn’t eat. my husband was very thin until he was like 8. other than that, we need to work on our attitudes and health habits because it’s all we can do.
You’re doing a fine job. Your kids will know better. And you have to let go of the angst, because it is out of your hands. Just teach your kids. I have the reverse problem, I hoped and hoped I would not get a child with my skinny ass metabolic issues. But I did. So I just teach him how to deal with it and the people who make fun. It’s all I can do. He’s 17 and doing fine. Just keep doing what you’re doing and your kids will be fine as well.
Confession time: I have wide hips, short stocky legs. Not thin. Never was thin. My daughter takes after her father and is thin. Really slender. Long legs. And I love looking at her. And it bothers me that I take such pleasure in her cultural norm beauty. I know I would love her and think her beautiful no matter what, but . . . Some of it is, yes, she will have an easier time because she fits the cultural norm of beauty, some of it is that I always had to hem my pants to get them wide enough to fit and she has to have a belt so that the pants that are long enough for her will stay up. I do try very, very hard to talk about healthy eating, healthy exercise, beauty in all sizes, etc. but I worry that I am giving too much credence to the thin culture. It’s never easy being a parent. I do believe that you are sending your girls good messages about their bodies and their health and that is what they are learning from you. You can’t completely shut out the culture around them, but you can try to immunize them against it and protect them from doing them harm and that you are doing.
I think you might like this gal.
http://thebodyloveblog.tumblr.com
She’s also on the money on the gay-hate.