I’m sure you are all familiar with the word “heartsick”. It’s a great, descriptive word … but it doesn’t quite fit my condition. I am “heartsore”, wherein my heart is so grieved for the horrible thing that happened in Sandy Hook that it feels like it has been beaten and has physical bruises. It is a useless pain. My tears don’t alleviate the agony of the families that lost loved ones, not by so much as an iota. I really wish it could dilute their suffering, but it doesn’t.
This weekend I held my girls a little tighter, grateful that I could. My gratitude seems somehow tainted, though; If I am blessed does that mean I am implying that the parents of the slain children were “cursed”? Because I do not believe that, not at all. I don’t know WHY bad things happen and I only have the hope that the existence of the victims continues and that their families will one day be reunited with them … but I do know that any real deity would NEVER “let” what happened at Newtown happen out of some sort of petty spite that His name is not invoked at the start of the school day. That is theological bullshit. It would be better for God not to exist than for Him to be so vile to His creations.
Moreover, what about the 16th Street Baptist Church bombings that killed four little girls in 1963? Was God not invoked enough there, in church? Or was it instead the work of an evil human who did not find the lives of those children to have value?
No, I know which “god” those pundits who say that the murder of innocent people was “divine judgment” are really trying to serve, and it isn’t the one Jesus deemed out Heavenly Father. Their so-called “moral” stance is also egregious victim blaming – the asshats think that if they don’t do whatever it was that they accuse the victims of having done then QED it cannot happen to them. How convenient of them to forget the entire Book of Job (which is a parable) is about the fact that human suffering does NOT indicate that the victim has done something “wrong” to be punished for.
Personally, I cling to the ideology that free will must be free even if evil results or it isn’t free will and that God takes care of all sorrow after our lives have ended. It is the only thing that keeps me from going completely around the twist and losing my ability to function as a human.
Tomorrow, I will write about my daughters and their trip to see the Christmas displays at the zoo and their Sunday School class singing in the church service. I will bring up things of light and hope and laughter. I won’t mention the Newtown massacre again for a long while, if ever.
But I will not have forgotten the pain of the parents of the Sandy Hook victims. I will always be heartsore when I think of their unendurable loss. It doesn’t help, but it is there nonetheless.