When I type my hands get cold. I don’t really notice, but if I reach out to the girls or Sweet Babou without thinking then shrieks of dismay that I touched their fragile flesh with my ice-talons ring out through the house. No matter how often this happens, I always forget about it the next time I have been writing and proceed to handle a beloved family member with my frigidity digits.
This happened the other day with Sweet Babou. I went to hug him and decided that he smelled and felt so nice that I would make a move on him. The elder two daughters were in school and the toddler was asleep, so this seemed a good opportunity for a little what-what. Thus, I ran my hands underneath his sweater and up along his back.
SB: ARRRRRRGHHHHHH!!! Get your icy paws off me, wench! Jesus wept! WTF – did you have them up a snowman’s ass??
Me: *pouting* I am trying to make a move here, jackass.
SB: That’s fine, but are not allowed to touch me until you’ve warmed your insanely cold hands up.
Me: You know, if you just had more imagination my cold hands would be a turn on.
SB: What in the hell are you talking about?
Me: Well, you could pretend I was a vampire. You know, since my hands are so cold. Like the undead. And I could either be a dangerous awesome vampire you had to please lest she drain the rest of your bodily fluids OR I could be one of those lame-ass sparkly kind who needs to be gently seduced while I have an angst-filled existential crisis. I vote the first kind, because that would be more fun for me. But we could go with the second kind if you want, no problems. My glittery hoo-ha already sparkles so it would be easy-peasy to embrace the fantasy.
SB: *breathing heavily through his nose* Have you lost your mind?
Me: Or we could pretend you are a necrophiliac. I mean, I just lay there like a starfish anyway, so it can’t be all that much different to pretend I am …
SB: I cannot believe I got a vasectomy for you.
Me: Hey! You got the snip for you too, buddy! It’s not my fault you don’t want to role-play. It could really spice things up; keep us from getting stale. Which reminds me, why is there no zombie-themed erotica? You have vampires all over the place and people freaking love them and you can even get a sparkly dildo and wish it were Edward Cullen or whatnot but if you think about it vampires are just as much reanimated undead corpses as zombies. But no one, and I mean no one, writes love stories or hot sex scenes with zombies. Personally I think it is because zombies are theoretically rotting and green and smelly so that would be a real turn off for most people, but it might actually be that vampires have all the cool clothes and the castle. My God, I just realized how classist vampires v/s zombie porn was. Those toothy bastards are totally in the 1%.
SB: If you mention the words “dead”, “rotting”, or “zombie” one more time then there is not enough Viagra on earth. Just saying.
Me: Seriously, if you put a zombie in one of those swishy black capes and give him a castle, would it start a fad for zombie erotica? People can be really shallow, you know.
SB: How about we pretend you are a mime? Or the little mermaid after she lost her voice?
Me: That seems like a really weird fantasy. Can we be Starbuck and Apollo instead?
All’s well that ends well, but I’m still confused about why vampires are sexy and zombies are gross. What about liches? What about Frankenstein’s monster, since he was made out of dead body parts? Is having sex with a werewolf bestiality, or is it only bestiality when there is a full moon? I would totally be willing to nail a werewolf, but only when he was in non-wolf form, because otherwise it would be squicky.
That’s just common sense, people.
Katie MacAlister wrote a zombie heroine but she called them Revenants or something like that. It was hilarious. Of course the zombie ended up with a vampire so there was that.
AAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahaaaaaaaa! I haven’t laughed this much in a long, long time.
(I thought about sending the link to my husband because he also moans about my cold hands. But he’s German. His English is okay, but he does occasionally have troubles recognizing American humor. And I don’t need to explain to him things like sparkly hoohas, because he’d just come back with “why would anyone do that” and a puzzled look on his face. Sigh.)
I have circulation issues so my hands are cold all year round. Do with that what you will.
Thank you so much for starting my day with a much needed laugh!
Hey, cold hands, warm heart, right?
You want I should lend you/him Katie McAllister’s zombie book on Kindle, lemme know. It clarifies muchness, plus it’s fookin’ hilarious. The Prince’s first book also has zombie sex. As I recall. Maybe in a defunct draft, but it was good.
Oh that was just good.
Way to spin the cold hands! And amuse the rest of us at the same time. Personally I don’t want to think about sex with vampires or zombies. I might be able to go the werewolf route because I like hairy men but I don’t know…
You’re funny like the Bloggess. Only with seriously angry rants. I love it.
Relevant? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zombie_Strippers
O.M.G.
Perhaps the idea comes too close to the old joke about lepers. “What did the leper say to the prostitute? … Twenty bucks, right? And you can keep the tip.”
OK, now I’ve squicked myself out. Gah!
My eyes! My eyes!
You’re welcome!
i just have to say your posts literally make me laugh out loud, but in a good way. Everything from your parenting technique to your absolutely spot on political analysis just rings with the most sincere honesty and whit that i cant help myself. I have been reading them while juggling the needs of my newborn and toddler and they literally lift my mood and make me feel better about being human, not super mom like i try, ( but epically fail) to be. Please keep blogging with that absolute awesomeness that is apparently your mind voice, and i agree the vampire/ zombie separation is shockingly classicist when you think about it but i still hate zombies.
Welcome wildchery86. I, as have many Fokkerites who play here, have had exactly the same difficulties dealing with reality versus the perfection we long to be for those we love. If my blog relieved even a little stress and made you laugh, then I am very glad I wrote it.