Sweet Babou and I finally got to see The Hobbit. To be completely honest, I loved it with a great strong love. It did not adhere religiously to the book, and it added stuff Tolkien’s book The Silmarillion, but that was fine and dandy with me since the last part of Silmarillion contained information about the circumstances surrounding The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings.
The cinematography was excellent. The directing was excellent. The acting was excellent. The costuming was excellent. All these are excellent reasons to praise and enjoy the movie, indeed. However, to these accomplishments were added three more brilliant reasons to watch the film with a happy heart: namely, the three sexy dwarfs who can be thought of as hawt, hawter, and hawtest.
First there was Fili:
I knew he was young from having read the book multiple times, but it was hard for me to envision a dwarf as anything other than middle-aged or decrepit. Thus, I when I saw that Fili was a cutie-patootie and yet deeply dwarfish I was thrilled to my toes. I also started to wonder if Snow White’s first kiss was actually the prince. Frankly, I would have drifted. They would have had to change my name to New York Snow White.
Then there was the almighty glory of Kili:
Boy howdy, was Kili eye-candy. He wouldn’t have needed a step ladder to kiss me because I would have hit the ground with a mattress on my back the second I saw him. He was sexy when he smoldered. He was sexy when he grinned like a naughty rake. He was sexy when he was knocked unconscious by goblins. He was just hella sexy, y’all. I would have stepped over six elves, including Legolas, to get to that dwarf. Forget the name Snow White. I would have rewritten that story as erotica and called it The Happy Slush-Bunny.
As sexy as Kili was, he was not the hawtest dwarf on screen. That honor went to Thorin Oakenshield:
This may be the result of my age. Kili was scrumptious, but he looked like the kind of guy you would lust after in college. He was fine as wine, but he wasn’t aged to maturity yet. Thorin, however, was the silverback gorilla of my dreams. He was GROWN. Plus he could make the furniture cream simply by sitting on it and then it would follow him into battle to die happy. He had that certain alpha-male charisma that made Sean Connery and Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones gods at their peak and continue to be studs even thought they are now blatantly grizzled old dudes. I would have definitely gone there and back again with Thorin. I would have gone around the world with Thorin.
Now, pardon me while I go play a very special version of Dungeons & Dragons with Sweet Babou.