Comments for The Stay-at-Home Feminist Mom

Comment on Bliss for Rudolf by Laura Vivanco

Laura Vivanco — Mon, 20 May 2013 16:15:32 +0000

On balance, it sounds as though you’re better off than Rudolf because even though you have a rather shiny nose you’re getting to play reindeer games again now that the kerfuffle’s over.

Comment on Bliss for Rudolf by Gina Todaro Freed

Gina Todaro Freed — Mon, 20 May 2013 14:58:31 +0000

Got along like sodium and chlorine. Each kinda awesome on their own, infinitely awesomer together. (Better living through chemistry references)

Comment on Lip Trembling by lunarmom

lunarmom — Fri, 17 May 2013 09:08:24 +0000

Sending love darts to you both,
that is all.
Julie

Comment on Lip Trembling by lora96litdiva

lora96litdiva — Thu, 16 May 2013 21:34:54 +0000

Breathe and hugs. I feel ya, girl.
It sucks. Full stop.

I could blather about how dh and I had a fuss this morning over dishes but this isn’t about me.

I don’t think sb has long range grievances overall. I think he’s being honest about that. I just think it’s something that pisses him off as part of the up each other’s butt around the house thing. FGBVs.

Also I’m with Julianne in that clean unputaway dishes mock the shit out of me and make me loony. I cannot cope and I had to go to work this very morning with such on my counter (stews and fumes)

Comment on Lip Trembling by Julianne Thomas

Julianne Thomas — Thu, 16 May 2013 17:48:52 +0000

Hi. I totally understand where you’re coming from. And you have an awesome and inspiring vocabulary. You’ve been under a hell lot of stress, and it is ok to lose your cool. Also? Cowbird behavior? Totally not ok. And unloading the dishwasher is one of the worst chores ever. Don’t you have child labor you can exploit for that? uh, I mean, don’t chores build character? I, too, hate it when clean dishes leer at me. My clean dishes also mock me from time to time, which I also don’t appreciate.

I think that had Linda not died a week ago which drained your physical and emotional reserves, this would not be as big a deal to you. You’ve had a rough week. This doesn’t help. Are you perfect? No. Is Sweet Babou perfect? No. Is your love for Sweet Babou based on him being perfect? No. Is his love for you based on you being perfect? No. Does he secretly seethe and wish you were different? No. Men, for the most part, don’t do this. Most men don’t have an attention span long enough to hold a grudge let alone seethe and be secretly unhappy.

Maybe Sweet Babou needs a chore chart to help him keep track of his responsibilities?

It will all be fine. Just breathe. Again. And take a nap.

Comment on Lip Trembling by bhnmt

bhnmt — Thu, 16 May 2013 16:24:45 +0000

yeah, maybe you didn’t handle it perfectly (who does?) but the fact remains that he DIDN’T DO THE THINGS YOU ASKED HIM TO DO, requests that were entirely reasonable and that he apparently agreed to do. Don’t take on all the blame here, darling Fokker. But I would wait until after your company is gone and his deadline is past to have any further conversations about it, because while you’re both this stressed there’s no way it will go well. *hugs*

Comment on Lip Trembling by Betty Fokker

Betty Fokker — Thu, 16 May 2013 16:09:43 +0000

Oddly enough, most of the time we do communicate. I talk to him reasonably, he promises cross-his-heart to do/undo whatever has made me have a sad/upset, and within a week I am doing his chores (or whatever) again because he forgot. A few months later I loud talk. If it is important enough, there is the eventual "fight". More than once something keeps happening, in spite of repeated mature dialog, until I lose my shit and throw a hissy fit. Then it usually changes. It is like he doesn't "hear" me until I go ballistic. I worry he's conditioning me to be a hell-beast. Like Pavlov's dog when it hears a bell, I'll ring the bellicose because then I will be rewarded. That's the part that bothers me the most. My conniptions are NOT a pattern I want to set in our relationship! :::headdesk:::

Comment on Lip Trembling by Karen (Betty Bear)

Karen (Betty Bear) — Thu, 16 May 2013 15:56:22 +0000

I’m still snickering over “the cowbird of clean spots.” You have a way with words, my dear. If you want relationship advice, I do have some (why, yes, what a surprise, the Queen of Ass-vice has some!) but I’ll wait for you to ask in case you’re just venting and wanting some there, there, yes, it was awful, poor baby instead.

Comment on Lip Trembling by Becky

Becky — Thu, 16 May 2013 15:45:54 +0000

I wouldn’t worry about him secretly hating things about you. In a moment when you were both annoyed, he said that he’s “always hated it when you….” First, exaggeration. People do it all the time in arguments, and it’s more about the size of their frustration *in that moment* than it is about any lingering discontent. Second, when you asked if there was any behavior he wanted you to change, and he said no, he was telling the truth. We all have stuff that annoys other people in the moment. But he’s not sitting around, churning over those things in his mind. You annoyed him, he annoyed you, two days later it’s like it never happened. He let it go. And I think you should let this fear go, too. He is HAPPY. Too happy to bother thinking about the petty grievances when they aren’t happening in the now. Considering how ready most people are to hang on to those grievances, I’d say that’s pretty damn happy.

As far as the loud talking and the shutting down goes, it sounds like you both have some communication stuff to work on. In a moment when things are calm, can you lay it out for him? “I know I do this, and I know it upsets you. I want to stop. But when you do/don’t do this, and then you shut down, I don’t have any other way to get what I need/vent my frustration. What can we both do to change this?” Maybe a code word when you’re both getting to that point. And maybe instead of an opened ended “I will do X”, SB can start committing to chores with “I will do X by Y o’clock.” That way you don’t have to nag. You know it will be done by the time you need it to be done. The when is entirely in his hands. (As long as he’s following through on his commitments to do the chores.)

Comment on Needing some happy up in here by lora96litdiva

lora96litdiva — Wed, 15 May 2013 10:38:00 +0000

sharks with frickin lasers
lol