One of my favorite people, The Bloggess, has just released the best book ever written in the history of the world, titled Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: (A Mostly True Memoir). Seriously, this book makes that Nickolas Sparks shit look weak. Of course, the directions on an enema box are better than crap that dribbles out of Nickolas Sparks’ pen, so that’s probably not a great recommendation.
Y’all, this book was truly awesome. I laughed so hard I cried, then commiserated with her sad parts so hard that I cried, then laughed as I cried because she managed to make even a fucked up mental illness hysterically funny. She is amazing. It’s like you took Jennifer Crusie, Dave Barry, Rita Rudner, and David Sedaris, smooshed them all together and then read them while high on crack … that’s how funny she is. I laughed so hard I hurt my vagina. I am not making that up.
Some of the many parts of the book that had me actually crawling on the floor with laughter, because I couldn’t stop guffawing long enough to suck oxygen into my lungs in any meaningful way:
- Her father traded his professional armadillo racing championship ring for a Victorian funeral carriage.
- The turkeys that her father was trying to pass off as large quail followed her to school and caused The Great Turkey Shit-off of 1983.
- Arm condoms and how to handle leaving a turkey baster inside a cow’s hooha. (Hint: be all nonchalant about it)
- Realizing that the Smurfs are indeed a bi-sexual communist paradise.
- Thinking that a giant labia would make a terrific lap blanket on cold nights.
- If you put a toddler in a pool with a regular, not swim, diaper, then the diaper will expand and explode blue diaper jelly all over.
- I am not the only woman in yoga class praying to the baby Jesus that I don’t tootle into the face of the person behind during down dog.
- You should never, ever take three times the recommended dose of laxative because you want a “colon cleanse”.
- Chumming. For. Foxen.
- FIFTEEN YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.
- Regular squirrels – free to a good home. Not for eating. Not to be mistaken for the elusive aqua squirrels, much to the disappointment of squirrel enthusiasts.
You have GOT to read this book. Use protection if you have a vagina. Maybe a hockey mask or something.