My Appointment

I had my appointment with the therapist today. (You have to see a therapist before you get into to see the physiatrist, which is how it should be.) He was very nice and agreed that I didn’t need more therapy … I need more meds. After 13 years and multiple pregnancies my body chemistry has changed enough that my dose needs to be altered. It happens. He thinks that my panic attacks are bits of depression leaking through in new and special ways. Before I got my first treatments my depression took the form of hopeless despair that I would ever have love and happiness; now it is mind-bending fear that this miraculous happiness will be taken from me. I am starting to nostalgically miss hopeless despair. It seems pleasant in comparison. Moreover, after I told him how I recently backed through my garage door because I forgot I had not opened it, he also thinks ADD drugs are something I should try. Imma going to, because at this point my squirreliness is effecting my parenting and that I will NOT stand.

Unfortunately my appointment with the doctor who will give me drugs is 6 weeks away. Considering how wretched these panic attacks are, that make me even more depressed. The irony.

Also in things that make me unhappy, another middle-aged white male murdered a black kid in Florida – this time because the kid wouldn’t understand the white guy’s awesome privileged right to tell non-white people what to do even if they were there first.

Sorry about this post, y’all. I am feeling bleak and it comes through.

*deep breath*

Tomorrow I will pull my shit together and rant anew.

About Betty Fokker

I'm a stay-at-home feminist mom.
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13 Responses to My Appointment

  1. Debbie Lykins says:

    I never felt depressed in my life until I started educating myself about politics and watching the news and becoming aware of what we are doing the planet, animals, each other, etc….Makes me miss the (non prescription) drug and alcohol fueled haze that lasted the first 30 something years of my life. Now I’m a news and political junkie and work in animal rescue. Also, we recently moved my mother in with us so I can take care of her in her increasingly frail and aging state. All in addition to my full time job, yay! Recipe for depression. Now I’m on zoloft and it has helped me not mood swing so much. I think any intelligent well informed person who has any empathy at all is subject to depression at some point just because we cannot be informed of all the bullshit without it having some effect. Best wishes to you, sister.

  2. Braless Betty says:

    Isnt’ forgetting that you didn’t open the door normal?

    Yeah, that stand your ground excuse is a piece of crap…excuse. Unbelievable those folks.

  3. KellyR says:

    I’m going to a new PCP today. I moved about 5 months ago, but really my meds haven’t worked well in a couple of years. IThis is the first step on the road to getting that corrected. I hate accepting that I can’t just “power through” whatever the problem happens to be. I’ve been blaming it solely on the emotional upheaval, but you remind me that my body has been through the wringer too. It makes sense that what worked for me pre chemo and pre medically induced menopause may not be doing the trick. I don’t think the reasons are all physical, but definitely food for thought. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts. We WILL get through this! XOXO

  4. I also backed into my garage door so you are not alone in that. And I know about not wanting one’s issues to affect one’s family. I am so grateful for Prozac for keeping me from visiting my PMS insanity upon my unsuspecting kids and husband. You will get through this! FGBVs and hugs!

  5. Teri says:

    I don’t usually post “personal” things but because I can relate to your depression/anxiety/ADD. I have been on Prozac for about 20 years now. I went through pregnancy, postpartum depression twice and some other serious health issues that really messed me up. Here are some things I want to share some non-chemical helps until you get your meds. Tis the season for SAD (seasonal affective disorder) so switch out some bulbs in your house to the UV bulbs. Few bucks but it does help. Sleep….I love that Nyquil is now marketing a “just sleep” med cause for years whenever I had to go to the in-laws, I would take that to be able to sleep in an overheated, under humidified house. Get your 6-8 hours in. Anxiety…this is where having ER people in your life helps. Have them help you make “panic” cards regarding common childhood injuries (bumps, bruises, sprains etc) and practice the steps you need. I, according to my teenage sons, am the most paranoid Mom in the universe because I rehearsed with them, since they were young, how to get out of the car in case of flipping, going into water, if Mom/Dad aren’t responding etc. Because in my mind, I have ran through every possible disaster that I ever ran into working in the ER of a major city. I run through lists of what I would have to do, call, etc. I make sure I have up to date pictures, etc. When we got them cell phones I activated the GPS so I can track their phones. I made them take a defensive driving course (bonus it will bring down your insurance rates a bit).
    You are still anxious but it gives you some sense of control. Exercise…yoga is great. Just being able to take a moment and pull up, center and do some deep breathing helps me quiet some of my anxiety. It also helps put more oxygen in my brain to help me slow down my thoughts.
    For the ADD…colored post its and laminated 4×6 colored index cards get me through my day. I have lists for my regular daily routine (on the laminated cards) that I check off with a dry erase marker. I make a post it for different people’s tasks (appointments, special items etc) that I need to do. Everything is on a central calendar (with the phones we do google calendar so we can keep up) I live by the routine, and if I get side tracked or distracted I have my list that I can go back to so I don’t have to get flustered that I forget what I was doing. I had on my lists when my boys where toddlers, play time. I also always scheduled an hour for my husband. We told the boys, that Mom and Dad need time to “play” together because we bestest friends forever. We still have a family “game” night on the schedule but now it includes the boys girlfriends/friends.

    Please know, as Jenny Lawson so wisely said “Depression Lies”. The anxiety and ADD make you forget depression lies, and then you know you have forgotten something so anxiety!

    Depending on your provider, have them write a flexible antidepressant script. For example my prozac can flux between 20 mg to 80 mg with 2 mg of Abilify depending on time of year, hormonal balance and extended family interaction.

    Love and Hugs, I am so glad that you are still writing this blog, cause I do so enjoy your view point even though I don’t post often.

  6. Robin S. says:

    Sending more {{{HUGS}}} your way. Hang in there, Pope. You’ll get through this.

  7. londonmabel says:

    Hugs and fgbvs! Good on you for taking care of yourself. :-)

  8. Sorry things are so bleak right now. Take care of your wonderful self.
    What the hell is wrong with Florida right now?

  9. Janice says:

    Yes, it sucks when what we had under control slips away. I spent the weekend wondering if I’m cycling again (bipolar) after almost 10 years of managing without meds. But, pregnancy, birth, the grief of death, and miscarriage have taken their toll on my body. Also, we are going through a rough time as humans right now, in general, and as someone said above, one can’t be informed and empathetic without consequences. I hope you’re getting to your yoga classes, and maybe trying some meditation. Big hugs <3<3<3

  10. Nat says:

    I’ve been there, too! Took meds for a while – eventually weened off of them. Still get panic attacks whenever something comes up that’s out of my normal routine. The boss saying, “hey, let’s go to lunch!”? Yeah – um, he’s learned not to surprise me like that! LOL! I carry a bottle of Rescue Remedy in my purse – and a little bit under my tongue when I feel an attack coming on works wonders. No shame or guilt in taking care of yourself. I’m sorry that you have to wait so long though – hang in there!

  11. Hang in there. It sounds like you’re on a path to getting the help you need, even if it’s taking some time.

  12. lunarmom says:

    Oregon love is special right? So if I send it direct you’ll get it and everything will be Unicorns and Rainbows. Right? RIGHT?!

    Big love,
    from me to you.

    p.s. What was that, a few posts back, about a “fuck housework” sampler?

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