I’m sure you are all familiar with the word “heartsick”. It’s a great, descriptive word … but it doesn’t quite fit my condition. I am “heartsore”, wherein my heart is so grieved for the horrible thing that happened in Sandy Hook that it feels like it has been beaten and has physical bruises. It is a useless pain. My tears don’t alleviate the agony of the families that lost loved ones, not by so much as an iota. I really wish it could dilute their suffering, but it doesn’t.

This weekend I held my girls a little tighter, grateful that I could. My gratitude seems somehow tainted, though; If I am blessed does that mean I am implying that the parents of the slain children were “cursed”? Because I do not believe that, not at all. I don’t know WHY bad things happen and I only have the hope that the existence of the victims continues and that their families will one day be reunited with them … but I do know that any real deity would NEVER “let” what happened at Newtown happen out of some sort of petty spite that His name is not invoked at the start of the school day.  That is theological bullshit. It would be better for God not to exist than for Him to be so vile to His creations.

Moreover, what about the 16th Street Baptist Church bombings that killed four little girls in 1963? Was God not invoked enough there, in church? Or was it instead the work of an evil human who did not find the lives of those children to have value?

No, I know which “god” those pundits who say that the murder of innocent people was “divine judgment” are really trying to serve, and it isn’t the one Jesus deemed out Heavenly Father. Their so-called “moral” stance is also egregious victim blaming – the asshats think that if they don’t do whatever it was that they accuse the victims of having done then QED it cannot happen to them. How convenient of them to forget the entire Book of Job (which is a parable) is about the fact that human suffering does NOT indicate that the victim has done something “wrong” to be punished for.

Personally, I cling to the ideology that free will must be free even if evil results or it isn’t free will and that God takes care of all sorrow after our lives have ended. It is the only thing that keeps me from going completely around the twist and losing my ability to function as a human.

Tomorrow, I will write about my daughters and their trip to see the Christmas displays at the zoo and their Sunday School class singing in the church service. I will bring up things of light and hope and laughter. I won’t mention the Newtown massacre again for a long while, if ever.

But I will not have forgotten the pain of the parents of the Sandy Hook victims. I will always be heartsore when I think of their unendurable loss. It doesn’t help, but it is there nonetheless.

About Betty Fokker

I'm a stay-at-home feminist mom.
This entry was posted in daughters, I've been thinking too much, Jesus loves you but I think you are an asshat, motherhood, victim blaming. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Heartsore

  1. Robin S. says:

    This is the part of the whole thing that makes me sick. It isn’t bad enough that this had happened. No, it has to be used to further someone’s “cause”. Add to the religious asshats the gun control people who had petitions up within hours of this goshawfullness to capitolize on it and also the conspiracy asshats who said the government was behind the killings so they could use it to further more government control of our lives. People just suck sometimes.

    Someone said that Freedom includes the freedom to be bad and that it’s our choices that make us what we are.

    I think Heartsore is a good way to describe the pain from this. I’m sending as much healing vibes as I can to those in pain. I just could not imagine being in their shoes. It makes me cry everytime I think about them.

  2. BarbN says:

    beautifully said. thank you.

  3. Janice says:

    It sucks big time for parents and loved ones who are left behind when children die senselessly and needlessly, you know I speak from experience, but what helps me a little is knowing that the children didn’t suffer. In fact, in their new life, they don’t even remember those horrible events that scar the survivors for the rest of their lives. The children are now safe and happy, and our tears and pain are what cause them pain now. I have had 2 messages from William about this. Thinking about the parents of this recent trajedy has made me weepy, too, but I keep remembering William’s last message to the acquaintance he chose to communicate through: “I told you to tell my mum that I’m happy. Why is she still crying? She shouldn’t be crying anymore.” Being grateful for your children’s safety and health and happiness does not lessen the importance of the lost children or imply that they ‘deserved what they got’ at all. In fact, by being grateful and loving with our families, we are serving those lost children, and the rest of the world, in a profound and positive way. I’m struggling not to weep while typing this, but keep reminding myself “feel the love, fill that pain with the light of your love, don’t let William down, my tears cause him pain”. He may be gone from here physically, but he is around, and his dad and I still have each other to love. That’s what matters. So love your girls, smother them in affection, guilt free. Cry to cleanse the pain, then smile and hug your girls again.

    A friend gave me a book to read after William passed. I think it might help you. The Shack by Wm Paul Young. If you can get a copy, I recommend you read it asap.

    Big, big, big, big hugs and much love. Your empathy makes the world a better place. Your friendship and empathy have helped me more than you can ever know.


  4. Thank you.
    My thing as a teacher is, yes your child can pray in school whenever he or she darn well pleases. He/she just can’t make everyone else pray also. God isn’t OUT of schools, just someone please explain to these people that the state shall establish no religion and thus organized compulsory prayer in school would have to invoke and worship a variety of sacred realities, not just the Christian one. Think the GOP would like rolling the dice for the deity of the day to pray to? Nope.

    So, BLAH. It was NOT the fault of the school system, parents, children, or Murray v. Abraham that Adam Lanza shot up a grade school. I’m inclined to point a finger at (a) the person who pulled the trigger, (b) the lax mental health care provisions in this country and (c) the wisdom of keeping multiple firearms in the home accessible to this individual who had a history of being troubled. However, I don’t know the reasons. There can be none that make any sense.

    A second grader asked me today “Just tell me why?? They were little children? Why would someone just shoot them?” I said, honey I don’t know. I can’t imagine why anyone would do that.

  5. My minister calls it “spiritual abuse” to say such things.

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