I have loved Australia since I was a lass. Part of it was the fact I am a child of the 80s, which gave us both The Man From Snowy River and Men at Work. Frankly, I wanted to go anyplace where hawt guys wore jeans as tight as the ones festooned upon the taunt butt-cheeks of Tom Burlinson. Seriously, they were painted on:
Moreover, beautiful Australian Mel Gibson was also brought to my attention courtesy of the Mad Max Movies. Now, this was long ago in the days of yore, when no one knew what an anti-Semitic, misogynistic, homophobic, racist bullying asshat he was. All I knew back then was that the man was an ode to pulchritude:
As far as I was concerned, the entire Land Down Under was peopled with man-candy. Thus, I yearned to visit Australia.
When I was slightly older I realized that movie stars were perhaps not a representative sampling of manliness from Oz, but I still wanted to go for the cool accents and the awesome fauna. Furthermore, I started watching The Crocodile Hunter when I was babysitting, and found that I enjoyed it as much as the kids. What’s not to love about Australia?
Then it started to dawn on me – damn near everything on the continent is out to get you. Even when Australia’s tourism board is trying to calm you down, it still scares the shit out of you by running down a simple list of animals that will kill you stone dead if they want to, not including the infamous Drop Bears. Nothing is safe there. For God’s sake, even the adorable little platypuses have venomous spines in their feet to jab you with. Nor are the “safe” animals really safe. Take the echidna for example. It doesn’t have lethal toxins it can spurt, but its junk is so unholy it can send you into shock. The wildlife in Australia is so inherently dangerous that I think the guys there are so fokking cute only because it is a natural defense mechanism: you only live when you are just too pretty to eat/sting/bite/strangle.
Recently, Australian beasties made the news yet again with their jolly antics. It seems that an Australian toddler (he is probably cute) found some interesting eggs and brought them inside his house and put them in his mommy’s closet to keep, whereupon they hatched and turned out to be the second most venomous snake on the planet! Fun times!
Then again, (not counting the Drop Bear massacres) the dangerous animals in Australia only kill about five people a year. In contrast, more than 8500 Americans are murdered via gunshot each year. Hmmm … Australia, in spite of funnel web spiders scuttling around like eight-legged death dealers, is looking more appealing by the minute.