Happy Tenth Birthday, Lilo!

Sweet Lilo is ten years old today. Yes, it was a DECADE ago that I became a mother. I remember looking down at the skinny, black-haired, prune-faced, jug-eared BEAUTIFUL babe I had recently pushed out of my very own hoo-ha and praying, “Oh dear God, this is the most important thing I have ever done; help me be worthy of this child”.

As much as I loved my husband, as much as I loved my parents and siblings and friends and godchildren, everything paled in comparison to the intense and fierce love I felt for the small infant sleeping in my arms. Some people go all gooey when the maternal hormones hit them (some people have post-partum depression and cannot bond and SHOULD NOT feel bad about it because it isn’t their fault) but I went savage. Seriously, I just waiting for a bear to try to attack so I could rip its head off with my bare hands (no pun intended) and wear its hide as a warning to other bears do not fokk with my baby.  I spent considerable time hunched over Lilo snarling, lest someone or something hurt the precious.

Rational I was not.

I cannot say that has entirely abated either. I am still, inside where it doesn’t show, snarling. I want to wrap Lilo in bubble-wrap and protect her from life. Life can be unfair and cruel and I will not stand for that shit when it comes to my baby. I want to be the most obsessive hover-smother-mother to ever helicopter parent. But I cannot. Because that would not be what was best for Lilo. So I tremble and open my hands and watch her test her wings with a quaking heart.

It doesn’t help that Lilo is so incredibly, astoundingly vulnerable. She has none of the protective socio-emotional boundaries that most children are instinctively developing at this age. She strides through the world with her arms open and every bit of her heart on display for the masses. Most treasure that about her. Her godmother — who is a former elementary teacher — adores her in part because there is NO artifice and almost never even an attempt at manipulation. However, some wretched few – at least one bully in her class — see it as a target and use it to hurt her feelings. I detest those people (even the 9 year old bully who I should have sympathy for because she probably has issues at home yet I still just want to smack her) and for some stupid reason it is illegal for me to beat them like a piñata.

I should have more faith in Lilo’s ability to defend herself. After all, I know she defends others. There was a fellow Aspy –  a 3rd grader — on her school bus who was being picked on by a 5th grader and Lilo, even though the bully was an admired older student, faced her down and demanded she leave the 3rd grader alone. Lilo told me, “I knew it was up to me to speak up, mom. Not stopping bad things is as bad as doing bad things.” Her jaw was firm and her upper lip was stiff and her spine was straight and I could have melted and died from pride in my child. Nonetheless, I would still shield her from any ugly aspects of existence that I could.

She feels things so deeply. She cares so much.  When she found out some children don’t have enough to eat she wept like her heart would break. When she found out that babies can be hurt – even killed – in war she sobbed in despair. When she found out about the poaching of elephants and rhinos she was ready to tear her hair out in rage at the stupidity of poachers, until I explained that they were trying to feed their kids and the real asshats in that loop were those who PURCHASED ivory or rhino horn and then she was livid at them instead. Each times she discovers some new atrocity that occurs because of human action or inaction she demands to know WHY people aren’t doing something to make that shit STOP. She wants to know what she, personally, can DO to make that shit stop.

I am terrified she is going to be one of those brave aid-workers who risks death to try to make the world a better place and to ease suffering. I cannot want her to do that. I could not bear her loss. It is selfish, but I do not care. I would sell the entire human race down the river to keep my children safe. My humanitarianism – my humanity – stops  when it come to my children.

She still doesn’t know most of the world’s evils because we do not tell her about them. She will eventually hear or read about them, but that is a future I will postpone as long as possible. For now, I shall let her have the bliss of ignorance. Today, we are taking her out to dinner and making a big fuss over her birthday and let her innocent heart feel nothing more complex that the indecision of what she wants for dessert.

Happy Birthday, Lilo! Mommy loves you so much!

Posted in daughters, I've been thinking too much, motherhood | 1 Comment

Vox Day: Could Andreas Lubitz’s murder/suicide by plane been prevented “if the sluts of the world were a little more equitable in their distribution of blowjobs?”

Originally posted on we hunted the mammoth:

Andres Lubitz: Mass murderer? Andreas Lubitz: Mass murderer?

French prosecutors are saying that the co-pilot of the Germanwings Airbus A320 that crashed in the Alps brought the plane down deliberately, after locking the pilot out of the cockpit. If so, this was one of the most horrific cases of murder/suicide the world has ever seen.

At the moment, we don’t know enough about the co-pilot, 28-year-old Andreas Lubitz. to know what motivated him to allegedly crash the plane. French authorities are saying that they don’t think it was an act of terrorism. But that may be because they have a rather simplistic definition of terrorism.

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Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Mono comes for us all

I have managed, even though I am a 43 year old woman, to come down with severe mononucleosis. WTF?

This, of course, spurred me to do some research in the few hours a day I wasn’t sleeping. It turns out that close to 95% of the adult population is carrying the Epstein-Barr virus that causes mono by the time they reach 35 years of age; most people get it when they are little kids and didn’t know it.

You know how chicken pox is worse when you are older? Yeah, it’s like that. The younger you are the less likely it is that mono will have any God-awful symptoms. Mono in the wee looks like a cold or at worst a flu. When you are between 15-25 and get it for the first time it can be a fokking nightmare, with months and months of fever and lethargy and ‘malaise’ – which is the medical term for feeling like a shit sandwich – but even then all the doctor can do is prescribe bed-rest and lots of fluids.

Once you get the virus, you get immunity and can never get it again – but you can still have the virus in your body go “live” from time to time and infect others.

Getting mono for the first time after you are 40 is very, VERY rare. It means that in my whole life I never swapped spit (which includes drinking from someone else’s glass, as in “let me try your margarita”) with someone when they were contagious. My ENT (ear, nose & throat doctor) said that I most likely got it from one of my precious daughters 4 to 6 weeks ago, when it would have seemed as if they had a cold or were tired from a busy day. Since mono can transmit via tears, all it would have taken was for me to kiss a tear-stained little cheek after a boo-boo happened.

Thank you, my daughters, for your generous sharing of viral disease

To get it at my age means the symptoms can be severe. My tonsils were touching behind my uvula and I was sputtering because I couldn’t drink water without it slipping into my windpipe. It felt as though sea sponges full of razor blades had colonized my throat and were plotting my death. My body ached like I had been trampled by a Welsh rugby team and I had a constant low-grade fever. At first I thought I had strep throat, then tonsillitis, but when the second round of hard-core antibiotics failed to cure me and my cervical lymph nodes puffed up like angry toads I went to an ENT because something was clearly falling part in the Fokker body. He informed me I had mono, ordered a blood test to prove it, and then started me on corticosteroids. They use steroids only in the most extreme cases but my fat and angry tonsils needed to shrink ASAP and it justified the meds.

Well, praise the prednisone, I can ingest fluids without strangling myself once more. Yay!  I have also spent 40 of the last 48 hours asleep, and feel much better now.

It is only on the other side that I am realizing how much my memory and ability to THINK were compromised by the mono. I have been in a fog – almost like I had a concussion – since mid-January. I could not seem to remember anything and kept thinking I had taken care of things which I had not. When I would talk to people, I had a hard time keeping track of what they were saying and I kept ‘losing’ words on the tip of my tongue. I had to re-read everything I wrote multiple times to sort out the typos or missing modifiers and even then I missed a bunch. I was too sick to even notice that I had shit for brains. That’s hella sick, y’all.

I am very grateful to be on the mend. However, severe cases can have relapses for up to six months so I’ll have to watch out for the lethargy creeping back. Then again, an excuse to nap is never bad. Which reminds me – I had been considering my inability to keep the house clean and my yearning for naps to be some sort of moral failing these last few weeks. You never know how deep the patriarchal expectations of what ‘good’ women does has its hooks into your soul until something like this happens. In what way are laundry piles a sign of my inadequate womanhood. BAH!

My naps will forevermore have feminist overtones now, dammit.

Posted in Feminism, health, life as I know it | 2 Comments

The Return of the Narrative

I’ve missed y’all.

Where have I been, lo these many days? Sweet Babou and I took the kids to Disney World for spring break, but I also brought along my Microsoft Surface (a little tablet/laptop that’s easy to transport) so that I could keep my Fokkerites informed of my doings and to frolic amongst them on Facebook. However, on day one my power connector broke and my Surface became as internet connectable as a brick. Thus, an involuntarily communication blackout occurred.

Not only that, I am sick. Like, have-to-feel-better-to-die sick. My tonsils are, in the opinion on my father the medico, abscessed and need to be yanked out ASAP. He has suggested that there is a real risk they might try to crawl away independently.  I was on antibiotics the whole week at Disney and yet I am still choking on my own adenoids and running a low grade fever. I have an appointment tomorrow with the ENT (Ear, Nose & Throat) doc to schedule when these naughty bastards can be excised.

The fever is also making it hard to be coherent.


I think I will take another handful of pain/inflammation reducers and lie down now.

Posted in health, life as I know it | 3 Comments

From Whence the Voice?

On March 8th cops in Utah responded to the report of a car upside-down and partially submerged in a river. When they got to the car, the officers heard a voice crying out, “Help me! Help me!”

““It wasn’t just something that was just in our heads,” said Officer Tyler Beddoes, who insists the voice did not sound like a child. “To me it was plain as day because I remember hearing a voice. I think it was [Officer Bryan] Dewitt who said, ‘We’re trying. We’re trying our best to get in there.’ … “We’ve gotten together and just talking about it, and all four of us can swear that we heard somebody inside the car saying, ‘Help,’” said Officer Jared Warren.

However, when the responders (including several firefighters who were treated for hypothermia after prolonged exposure to the icy water of the river during as they attempted a rescue) were able to get the car upright, they found only an unconscious toddler and her dead mother inside the vehicle.  Although, “Lynn Jennifer “Jenny” Groesbeck was pronounced dead at the scene … her 18-month-old daughter, Lily, was still alive after remaining strapped upside-down in a car seat for up to 14 hours.”

So who cried out? The mother was deceased, the baby was in no condition to yell for help and even if she was conscious the officers swear it was not a child’s voice they heard.

Personally, I think there is a metaphysical explanation. If there is, as I believe, life after death then the soul of the not-so-departed mama was staying with her baby until Lily either died (in which case Mommy would be waiting across the veil) or a rescue came. I think in dire need the spirit of a dead woman was able to manifest a voice – at least within the heads of the responding officers – to make the would-be saviors aware of the urgency. I know that love a parent has for a child can be something so deep and so strong that not even death could cut that tie. You don’t stop loving your kid just because you stop breathing.

Parental love can make even death seem paltry and transient in comparison.

Posted in motherhood | 1 Comment

Justin and Marsha Harris are even worse than I thought

Last week I wrote about how Arkansas representative Justin Harris and his wife Marsha “re-homed” their adopted daughters with a man who subsequently raped the six year old. I thought that was bad enough. However, I was giving Justin and Marsha Harris too much credit. They are even worse than the story initially stated.

The shit really hit the fan after this pitiful and whingy excuse blaming the Department of Human Services for everything was proffered to the public by Justin Harris:

“Rep. and Mrs. Harris have suffered a severe injustice. Due to threats of possible abandonment charges, they were unable to reach out to DHS for help with children who presented a serious risk of harm to other children in their home. Upon the advice of both a psychiatrist and a pediatrician, they were forced to move the children to the home of trusted friends, who had a lot of experience with children with reactive attachment disorder. Rep. and Mrs. Harris are devastated about the outcome of that decision, but faced with no good option, they did the best that they knew how.”

Leaving the repugnant nature of declaring oneself  a victim when your dumbass actions got a baby raped aside for now, it turns out that Justin and Marsha Harris are lying liars with extra lie sauce. They claim they were “unable to reach out to DHS for help” but that is NOT true in the least.

For one thing, Justin and Marsha Harris started out with three sibling girls, turning the eldest back to DHS before an adoption was finalized. They kept the younger two, used their pictures in promotional political material, and then threw them away to a rapist without contact DHS.

If they didn’t have a problem with giving the eldest sister back, then WTF didn’t they contact DHS about the 6 year old and the 3 year old girls? Maybe it is because the Harrises were sulking over the fact that DHS tried to prevent them from adopting the girls in the first place? The Harrises went over the heads of the case workers and had their friend Cecile Blucker  – the Arkansas state official who is top dog in charge of adoption and foster care – basically force the DHS to let Harris adopt the girls over the protests of case workers and the girls’ initial foster family.

Craig and Cheryl Hart, the initial foster parents who housed the two younger girls for a year and a half prior to their adoption by the Harrises, came forward to the press to denounce the Justin and Marsha Harris as lying shitweasels. According to the Harts:

“the adoption was allowed to proceed over the objections of the foster parents and local DHS staff only because the head of the the Division of Children and Family Services (DCFS), Cecile Blucker, exerted pressure on behalf of Justin Harris. DCFS is the arm of DHS responsible for child welfare. The Harts also say the middle sister — who would have been 4 years old at the time she entered the Harris home in 2012 — was not violent or dangerous. They claim the Harrises were warned repeatedly by themselves and local DHS staff that their home was not a suitable placement for the two girls or their older sister.
The third sister, who would have been about 6 when she entered the Harris home, was fostered at a different household that provided specialized therapeutic care for troubled children … those who worked on this adoption case attempted to talk the Harrises out of adopting the girls … “DHS attempted to talk to them about the girls’ issues, but I feel like they were in denial,” Cheryl said. “They were very defensive about it. They repeatedly told us they had degrees in Early Childhood Development, they had therapists there at their preschool, and they had God to help them through this.”

The Hart’s assertions are backed up by statements made by Justin Harris himself complaining that “that DHS “fought us the whole way” with the adoption”.

As for the Harris’ friend Cecile Blucker, she has learned the hard way not to ever try to help or trust Justin and Marsha Harris. The Harrises are now trying to blame their actions on Blucker, saying that SHE is the one who told them returning the kids would be “abandonment” and that SHE knew the kids had been rehomed.  In sum, the Harrises are shrieking, “Wahhhhhhhhh! Don’t blame us, media and voters! Blame the woman we got to give us the kids over the objection of caseworkers instead! Poor us! Extended dance mix of conservative victimhood!”

Justin and Marsha Harris are scum-sucking thunderdouches that would have to evolve wings to even qualify as twatwaffles.

Posted in are you kidding me with this shit?, irony set on "stun", shit I think y'all should know, victim blaming | 1 Comment

Justin and Marsha Harris are Evil Frauds

There is a special place in hell for Arkansas Republican state representative Justin Harris and his wife Marsha:

“Harris and his wife Marsha took in two little girls in September of 2012. The girls were sisters and in foster care because a male relative had sexually abused the older girl and left her traumatized. The Harrises formally adopted the girls six months later in March, 2013. By October of 2013, something had gone seriously wrong in the home. The Harrises — who had three older biological sons — handed off the two girls to Eric and Stacey Francis, essentially abandoning them. Court documents say that the older of the two girls was raped by Eric Francis in January of 2014, when his wife was out of state. Francis confessed to the sexual assault and is currently serving a 40-year sentence.”

Meanwhile, the Justin and Marsha Harris continued to collect money given to them by the state earmarked for the welfare of the adopted and abandoned girls. Yes. They not only threw away two traumatized little girls to a predator who raped the six year old eldest sister – they defrauded the government for money while it was happening.

Not that defrauding the government is anything new to Teabagging right-wing asshats Justin and Marsha Harris:

“Harris makes a living running what he calls a “church preschool,” Growing God’s Kingdom. In addition to preaching the Gospel, he preaches the word of reduced government spending and lower taxes. He reportedly once remarked government spending never created a job. Funny thing, though. Harris’ business depends almost entirely on taxpayers for its existence and the money he and other family members make from it. The Blue Hog Report did some digging into the small business and found this: Harris’ business operates on almost $900,000 a year and serves about 150 kids. Of that, all but about 6 percent comes in the form of state and federal dollars in a program aimed at developmentally disabled and poor children. The money provides Harris and his wife almost $60,000 a year in salary and benefits. It also covers the mortgage on his privately owned building and rent payments to the Harrises. So the government spending hawk lives on government spending, a double dip of payroll, perks and rent payments.”

Justin Harris not only bilked the government and abandoned the little girls he adopted to the untender mercy of a pedophile, he’s not the least bit sorry for it … only defensive and whiney:

“In February, the Arkansas Times asked Rep. Harris to comment on the case and explain what became of the girls he and his wife had adopted. He refused, and stated that the Times was attempting to “smear” him. “It’s evil,” he said, becoming visibly upset. When asked whether he rehomed his adoptive children with another family, he replied, “I’m not confirming that.” When asked about the statements made in the State Police report in the Francis case, Harris said he hadn’t read the file because of the disturbing descriptions of sexual abuse that they contain. “You don’t know what we’ve been through this past year. You have no idea what my family has been through,” he said emphatically. “I don’t care what the people of Arkansas think about me. I don’t care if I lose my position. I care what my wife thinks about me, and I care what my three sons think about me.” Overcome with emotion, he then turned and walked away. Harris has not responded to repeated requests for further comment, even again this week when advised this story would be published.”

Yes, in Justin Harris’s mind the newspaper reporting the truth about the horrible thing he and Marsha did to the little girls they legally took as their own is the real “evil” here. Even worse than that is the fact Harris sniffled a quote from Isaiah 54:17 — “No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.” – to imply he would be prevail against the wretched and slanderous TRUTHS against him with God’s help. Someone hold my head while I puke.

Recently Justin and Marsha Harris released a statement so rife with bullshit it made my head swim:

“Rep. and Mrs. Harris have suffered a severe injustice. Due to threats of possible abandonment charges, they were unable to reach out to DHS for help with children who presented a serious risk of harm to other children in their home. Upon the advice of both a psychiatrist and a pediatrician, they were forced to move the children to the home of trusted friends, who had a lot of experience with children with reactive attachment disorder. Rep. and Mrs. Harris are devastated about the outcome of that decision, but faced with no good option, they did the best that they knew how.”

First, their sons were much old and bigger than the 3 year old and the 6 year old girls that the Harris family adopted KNOWING they had RAD. They had the girls about 6 months, which isn’t time for SQUAT. The ONLY reason for not reaching out to DHS was to keep the checks coming. Bringing the DHS in on it was a GOOD option, but one that would have cost them the free money from Uncle Sugar. I am complementing them when I say they are greedy disgusting evil hyena taints covered with pus-filled boils.

It is with sincere regret that I inform you that Justin and Marsha Harris don’t need to worry about prison for abandoning the kids. They will both get away with flinging away two children as if they were offal because it isn’t illegal in Arkansas to do that. In fairness, it’s because the government and populace was largely unaware any such shitty things were a possibility. There are some things so grotesque that decent people don’t even conceive of it, let alone think to pass a law against it. Passing your adopted children on like they were commodities was one of those things too bad to stir awareness. Giving AK credit, they are working to pass laws against it ASAP.

However, collecting the government’s dime fraudulently IS a crime. Let us hope that they can nail his ass for that. Let us cross our fingers that Justin Harris, a man unfit to hold his own dick let alone office, is never re-elected to so much as small town pooper-scooper.

The final hypocritical irony? This jackass is “pro-life”. He doesn’t want women to have abortions, he wants them follow in his footsteps and wait until the fetus is in preschool to get rid of it.

Frankly, I hope the smiting and vengeful Yahweh whom Justin Harris claims to worship greets him at the Pearly Gates and body slams him into hell. After all, Harris sent two little girls into a hell on earth and doesn’t the Old Testament claim God wants an eye for an eye?

As for Jesus … well, he wasn’t real fond of hypocrites and Pharisees so I’m not seeing Justin Harris get much help from that quarter either.

Posted in are you kidding me with this shit?, Jesus loves you but I think you are an asshat, Mammon, rape culture, shit I think y'all should know | 5 Comments