I have baked all the things

I love Hyperbole and a Half. Especially the one where she explains why she’ll never be a “real” adult. In short, it’s about the tendency to be super adult and productive (clean all the things), and then falling apart shortly thereafter because you got it together once already dammit.

Yesterday was one of the super productive days that happens once in a blue moon wherein I roll out of bed and adult my ass off. I tidied and cleaned the house. I did three loads of laundry. I also managed to write THREE guests posts for my professional blog-book-tour in real life.

Then, instead of resting on my laurels, I had some sort of Thanksgiving seizure and went into a baking frenzy. An organized baking frenzy no less. You know, wherein I made all the things that had to be cooked at 350 degrees before making the thing that needed to be cooked for 15 minute at 425 degrees. Seriously. It was like Master Chef. 

I made pecan pie filling while the oven was heating, and then made a double batch of brownies because they could go in the oven on the bottom rack for the last 38 minutes the pecan pie was baking. They both (and this qualifies as a miracle considering my culinary skills) came out perfectly

While the pecan pie and brownies were baking, I prepped a double-batch of pumpkin bread. My pumpkin bread is really good, but it is also a colossal pain in the ass for me to make because it involves actually doing things correctly. This would be no problem for normal people who are good cooks, but it is a huge deal for me. I mix my wet and dry ingredients separately instead of stirring them haphazardly in one big bowl. That’s crazy, Cordon Bleu level cooking for me.

Fokk it. I’m even going to include a recipe!!

Dry: 2 cups all-purpose flour, 3 tsp. of cinnamon, 1 tsp. baking soda, 1/4 tsp. baking powder and 1/2 tsp. of salt. Stir that all together so stuff is distributed evenly.

Wet: 2 ripe bananas, 1/2 cup of brown sugar, 3/4 cup of coconut oil (heated to liquid), 3 large eggs, 1 tsp. vanilla extract, and a can of real (usually you need to go organic to get this) pumpkin puree.

Mix the wet stuff together until it looks it is smooth and lump-free. Then, stir in the dry stuff, but don’t over-mix. Decant into a greased baking pan of your choice and bake at 350 degrees for an hour and ten minutes. After that, check it and then bake it at 5 minute intervals until it’s good and done.

Last night, while my pumpkin bread baked. I cleaned the kitchen again and loaded the dishwasher with all the things I had used thus far to cook with. There was room left over in the dishwasher, which was good because I still needed to make a pumpkin pie.

As soon as the bread got done, I put it on the cooling racks (yes! I used cooling racks!) and started the oven heating to 425 degrees. While the oven was getting hotter, I made 2 pumpkin pies worth filling and poured one into a normal pie shell and one into a gluten-free pie shell. Then I popped those babies in the oven for 15 minutes.

I had to turn the oven down to 350 degrees and bake for another 40 minutes, so I used the fifteen minutes the pies were baking at a hotter temperature to put the pumpkin pie making bowl and spatula and measuring cups into the dishwasher. There was some space left over so I cleaned a couple of dead things out of the fridge (should rice turn pink?) and put the now empty containers in the dishwasher too.

By the time I started the now-full dishwasher, my pies were ready to be turned down to 350 degrees and I could FINALLY collapse on the couch. Which I did.

Today, the house is already messy again and I haven’t done a damn thing but write and check Facebook.


Posted in life as I know it | 1 Comment

Kids are Home, Bird is Bought

Here in the Fokker abode we are gearing up for Thanksgiving. The kids have the week off from school, and while it is nice to sleep in a bit it is a tad bit harder to get any work done.

For one thing, they sing loudly and keep forgetting that Daddy is in a Meeting. Nothing says “professional” like a small child shrieking, “Oh yeah? Then smell MY farts!” in the background when you are on a multinational conference call. 

Then there is the fact that Stitch likes to run while she thinks. This means she will gallop down the hall.  Stitch’s gallop is so loud and pronounced and accompanied by huffing noises that gallop doesn’t describe it –  my child is galumphing. It may help HER think, but have you ever tried to string a thought together when someone is galumphing near you? Yeah, not easy.

I’ve also hammered out some details of the friends that are arriving for Bird Fest on Thursday. My friends Alis and Sweet Pea are southern women, so between them they will bring 90% of the food. Seriously. A southern woman does not come empty handed to dinner; she brings dinner to your house. I’m basically providing rolls, cranberry sauce, and the turkey. Oh, and the nasty-ass green bean casserole. It isn’t a real Thanksgiving for me until I have caused my microbiota distress by eating a conglomerate of green beans, fired onions, and cream of mushroom soup. Well, I will probably do mashed potatoes as well. and baked sweet potatoes. And three desserts.

Have I mentioned I am southern too?

Posted in daughters, I like this, dammit., life as I know it, motherhood | 6 Comments

The Yellow Bra


Okay, this will contain spoilers, and I want those spoilers to be further down the post so they don’t catch people off guard in the first paragraph, so I will throw in the fairly meaningless chit-chat that I am a HUGE University of Kentucky basketball fan and I felt a genuine spiritually fulfilling moment when we stomped a mudhole in Duke’s butt last week. Also, I am nervous about the upcoming Star Wars movie because I may never recover from the heinous atrocities of Episodes I-III, Suckiest Movie Ever, Just as Sucky, and Still Sucking.

Now, onward toward spoilers.

Leonard, in an attempt to appease Penny’s justifiable wrath, placed orange lingerie upon his body and offered to let her shame him on Facebook. There have been several comments from viewer that a guy putting on his girlfriend’s lingerie in an attempt to make her happy is not how “real people act in the real world”.

Au contraire!

Many years ago, when my mother and I had just been involved in a HUGE fight (as only mother/daughters can), I was sobbing with angst and Sweet Babou was desperate to bring me some cheer. Thus, when he came up from the basement, where he had gone to retrieve the laundry from the dryer, he was wearing my bright yellow bra — which he had stuffed with socks for extra effect.

As I goggled at him, he put the laundry basket down and slunk around the kitchen singing “Happy Birthday Mr. President” in a breathy, spot-on imitation of Marilyn Monroe, including sexy stance.

I laughed until tears ran down my leg.

Geeks will put on lingerie to make their women happy again. That is INDEED something that will happen in the real world.

Posted in Asperger's and Autism Spectrum, I like this, dammit., life as I know it, Sexy Sex, Too Much Information | 3 Comments

Word From On High

As most of you know, I am the Pope of the Syncretic Church of Non-asshats (SCNa). As Pope of the SCNa, it is important for me to tell you I 100% agree with the Pope of the Catholic Church (although his hat isn’t as cool as mine) that all countries and people should welcome refugees and vociferously remind you all that God (in all his/her guises) is VERY, VERY pro-refugee. Seriously, the Bible runneth over with verses demanding you love refugees and immigrants and be nice to them or God will be pissed. They aren’t ambiguous versus either. They are clear cut stuff like this:

As for the foreigner who does not belong to your people Israel but has come from a distant land because of your name— for they will hear of your great name and your mighty hand and your outstretched arm—when they come and pray toward this temple, then hear from heaven, your dwelling place. Do whatever the foreigner asks of you, so that all the peoples of the earth may know your name and fear you, as do your own people Israel, and may know that this house I have built bears your Name. (1 Kings 8:41-44)

He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt. (Deuteronomy 10:18-19)

See? Not ambiguous.

Also, if you don’t have mercy on refugees, you are going to look like a total twatwaffle to people who are looking back on this. You know how skanky we think the people who turned away Jewish refugees were? Yeah, that is how your grandkids will think of you.

Now, go forth and don’t be an anti-Islamic, anti-refugee, merciless asshat or you shall be smote by the Lord of Hosts.

Posted in Jesus loves you but I think you are an asshat, SCNa | 4 Comments

Mammon and Terrorism

Wherever there is evil, there too will you find Mammon.

Mammon is hand in glove with Daesh (also known as ISIS or ISIL). Terrorism is expensive, and do you know who is paying for the passports, weapons, ammunition, and atrocities of the terrorists?

Saudi Arabia is the world’s largest source of funds for Islamist militant groups such as the Afghan Taliban and Lashkar-e-Taiba – but the Saudi government is reluctant to stem the flow of money, according to Hillary Clinton. “More needs to be done since Saudi Arabia remains a critical financial support base for al-Qaida, the Taliban, LeT and other terrorist groups,” says a secret December 2009 paper signed by the US secretary of state. Her memo urged US diplomats to redouble their efforts to stop Gulf money reaching extremists in Pakistan and Afghanistan. “Donors in Saudi Arabia constitute the most significant source of funding to Sunni terrorist groups worldwide,” she said. Three other Arab countries are listed as sources of militant money: Qatar, Kuwait and the United Arab Emirates. The cables highlight an often ignored factor in the Pakistani and Afghan conflicts: that the violence is partly bankrolled by rich, conservative donors across the Arabian Sea whose governments do little to stop them. The problem is particularly acute in Saudi Arabia, where militants soliciting funds slip into the country disguised as holy pilgrims, set up front companies to launder funds and receive money from government-sanctioned charities …

It is long past time for the oligarchies of the Gulf states to stop paying protection to the men in the suicide belts … These are the societies that profit from terrible and tangled web of causation and violence that played out on the streets of Paris. These are the people who buy their safety with the blood of innocents far away … It came from countries and not from a faith. It came from sovereign states and not from an organized religion. It came from politicians and dictators, not from clerics, at least not directly. It was paid to maintain a political and social order, not to promulgate a religious revival or to launch a religious war …

What should we do about it?

It’s time to be pitiless against the bankers and against the people who invest in murder to assure their own survival in power. Assets from these states should be frozen, all over the west. Money trails should be followed, wherever they lead. People should go to jail, in every country in the world. It should be done state-to-state. Stop funding the murder of our citizens and you can have your money back. Maybe. If we’re satisfied that you’ll stop doing it. And, it goes without saying, but we’ll say it anyway – not another bullet will be sold to you, let alone advanced warplanes, until this act gets cleaned up to our satisfaction. If that endangers your political position back home, that’s your problem, not ours. You are no longer trusted allies.

And what are we going to do about it? Jack shit, that’s what. Why? Because Mammon is the only god truly worshipped by the powerful. The USA provides most of the global arms market, and we aren’t going to stop making a juicy profit selling our weapons to Gulf states just because those weapons end up in the hands of terrorists. That billions of dollars loss if we stop selling guns to terrorist-supporting states! Mammon doesn’t like that!

Terrorist states and groups are also funded by oil. Are we going to suddenly redouble our efforts for green energy and cut off our dependence for oil? Hell no! Oil makes American billionaires, and American billionaires control the government. Since Mammon controls the rich, and they control the US government, the USA is de facto an arm of Mammon and will continue to suck Big Oil’s metaphorical dick regardless of how much terrorism it funds. As long as rich Saudis keep helping rich Americans get richer off Saudi oil, the rich Saudis can keep on funding all the terrorists they want.

Golly, isn’t that swell?

Posted in are you kidding me with this shit?, irony set on "stun", Mammon, maximum sarcasm, poli-ticks, shit I think y'all should know, victim blaming | Leave a comment

Testing Weirdness

Lilo is a smart kid. She reads voraciously, draws like a champ, and has a wonderful imagination. What she doesn’t do it test well, or even consistently. Part of her therapy for autism has also included the occasional IQ test, as she has tested as low as 126 and as high as 172 … more than a 50 point spread. She is, depending on the day, either a high average or a genius. However, according to those big school testing things she is lucky to get an “average” score. How? Why?

For one thing, her test scores depend on how she’s feeling and whether she is concentrating on the test or thinking about other stuff. Secondly, an far more important, her scores depend on whether or not the test questions are vulnerable to “overthinking”. For example, if she is asked if water runs uphill. The answer is no, but Lilo will start to think about it too hard. It runs uphill you put it in a pipe with a pump. Do they mean always or just the water left alone in nature? Then again the Nile runs north and that’s globally uphill; so … it must be yes. Thus, she is just as likely to answer an incorrect “yes” for that question as a correct ”no”.

I was always the kid that nailed those tests to the wall. We’re talking 99%-wow-you-are-smart-scores. My grades were meh, because I would fail to turn in homework or make even the smallest effort most times, but boy howdy did I kick the SAT’s ass. Well, most of it’s ass, to be honest. I’d have perfect scores in everything but math … in which I would test into the very low average. In aggregate I was smart; in math I was a dimwit. I wasn’t particularly talented in any other area, or pretty, or athletic, so my test scores were kinda my area to shine. They became reflections of my intrinsic worth.

Sweet Babou was not a “tester”. Like Lilo, he over thinks things. He was average. He reads physics books for fun, so clearly the tests are not reflective of his smarts. His self-esteem and feelings of worth were never tied up in his test scores.

When Lilo got her ISTEP tests back, Sweet Babou was fine with them. I was … weirded out. Lilo scored average in language arts and science, but below average in math even though she’s making A’s and is in an advanced math group in school. For me, the woman who is hardwired to consider those tests reflections of true intelligence, they are calling my baby a numbskull. For Sweet Babou, all test scores mean jack shit and have zero to do with Lilo’s abilities or faculties.

I already knew standardized testing is bad for students. I know they don’t really measure intelligence or potential. I just didn’t think they would be an issue for my kids. I assumed my munchkins would test like me. I was expecting meh grades and spectacular scores, yet the reverse is happening. This is obviously only a problem for me. We do not discuss test scores with the kids, lest they value those scores the way I did, so I am not berating my daughters with it or anything gross like that … but I nonetheless dislike Lilo testing poorly. I want to brag about her scores, and I cannot. That makes me “that” mom, the mom who needs to live through her children and subsume their accomplishments, and even though I keep it a secret it makes me ashamed of myself.

Good thing there isn’t standardized parenthood testing; I’m not sure I’d pass. 

Posted in Asperger's and Autism Spectrum, daughters, I've been thinking too much, irony set on "stun", life as I know it, motherhood, shit I think y'all should know | 8 Comments

Déjà Poo

Everyone has heard of déjà vu, where you have this feeling like you have done this exact same thing before. It is, according to science, just out brains yanking our chains. No worries then. My daughter Stitch, however, has enlarged on the concept.

Yesterday, Stitch emerged from the bathroom with a scowl upon her sweet visage. I, being a concerned mom, queried as to her problem.

“I just went poo, but I still feel like I need to poo,” Stitch said. “I have déjà poo.”

“You have what?”

“Déjà poo. I feel like I need to poop even though I just pooped.”

I sat stunned for a moment. “Stitch, did you come up with that on your own.”


“I see.”

“I’ve got a couple more.”

“A couple more what?’’”

“Things that sound like déjà vu but are something else.”


“Like déjà moo. That’s where you are going by yet another bunch of cows in a field driving toward Granny’s house and they all look like the same cows.”


“Or déjà fu. That’s how come all the karate moves in cartoons look kinda the same.”


“I thought of another one on Halloween.”

“What was it?”

“Déjà boo. All the ghost decorations look alike.”

“Mommy needs to go lie down now.”

Behold the mind of my middle child y’all. Behold it.

Posted in daughters, I like this, dammit., life as I know it, motherhood | 1 Comment